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Why Doesn’t Family Listen?

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August 28, 2010
	Jo Wehage : Head Operations Ego

Have you ever had the experience of being in a position to positively impact someone you love but they refuse to listen? Maybe it’s not so much refusing to listen as much as it is not realizing there is something to hear. Finance, health, love…there are a lot of great resources. Funny how family is the last to realize the opportunities within their own tree.

There is a health crisis in my own family. I crisis I could undoubtedly impact in a profound way. The help falls largely on deaf ears. I will admit it has kept me up at night. It has made me mad, made me wonder, made me cry and even tested my sanity from time to time. These days I don’t take it personally.

I remember running across the sage statement “A prophet is not recognized in his own land.” Truer words, my friend, truer words.  I’m so far from a prophet…I’m the “little sister” in this land.

Who would you listen to? The kid who rode her bike into the curb repeatedly while trying to learn to stay on two wheels, or the brilliant oncologist in the pretty white coat and framed degree who assures you she has the answers to rid your body of this terrible disease?

I get it.

So, since the untold hours of gathered resources and references I’ve found sit there gathering dust, I find myself with time to ponder.

Why is it Family Doesn’t Listen?

Because of Credibility
 Again, who wins this round? Snot-nosed little sister or the degreed oncologist in the large shiny building? Your family already knows that you’re human. They’ve seen your faults. They know that you’ve been wrong. They remember that stupid mistake you made, the dumb Christmas gift and those irritating habits you have.

Give it time. The humanness will show.  In our case, the smart woman with the framed degree and soothing voice who offered the cutting-edge treatment with the miracle drug didn’t solve the problem. In fact, the treatment caused other problems. Hmmm, a crack in the door. My voice just got a little louder in her ears. Not enough, admittedly. There are a lot of other white coats eager to step into the spotlight, but I’m not going anywhere.

Because of Authority
If you have a problem, go to an expert in the field. A wise move indeed. However when it comes to many industries, healthcare being a fine example, there are many-a-flavor of experts.

I try to remind my sister that experts tend to have a narrow focus. Take what that expert offers you and fill in the blanks. And P.S. there are always blanks. I told my sister to flat out ask the expert to highlight their strengths. Then ask them what other categories, in their expert opinion, you should make sure you have covered.

I’ve seen it too many times. We give our power over to experts, thinking they have every base covered. This is rarely the expert’s fault. (Except with that care mechanic, who shall remain nameless.) Did we ask them if they have every single base covered or did we just assume?

Because of Conviction
When it comes to family, maybe they’re not doing all the things you think they should do. Maybe they’re doing them wrong. Maybe they’re not paying enough attention or don’t grasp the severity of the issue. Maybe they just don’t have the conviction to see it through. It’s easier said than done.

We all think we’d do the right thing at the right time. But do we? Do you need to eat better? Exercise more? I used to think that chronic disease would be a wake-up call for anyone who was unfortunate enough to hear such news. Turns out, it’s not so much the case.

A wise woman once told me “Americans love to hear good things about their bad habits.” Deep down, change is too uncomfortable for many of us. Or actually, it may just be too inconvenient. I’ve decided that for a lot of people changing religions is easier than changing food habits. My sister doesn’t always hear the news stories about what cruciferous vegetables can do for a body fighting cancer. But she usually catches those that mention the benefits of chocolate and the nutrients in cheese.

I do my best not to preach. I remember the part about the prophet. I wait for a chance to reinforce smart and empowered decisions when they come about.

Because of Victimhood
Let’s face it. Some of life’s battles are tough. And in today’s modern world with its hectic pace, we’re already exhausted. Sometimes it’s just easier to be a victim. Why me? Darn those bad genes! I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s not my fault.

Victimhood is its own illness. I can’t say I’ve found a cure.