All Articles, Health & Wellness
I Pretty Much Hate Thanksgiving
| November 14, 2009 | |
| JoWehage : Head Operations Ego |
I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I do, I pretty much hate Thanksgiving.
There, I said it. It’s true. I hope it won’t always be true, but this is my current platform and here I stand. It’s not easy for me to say. I like to think of myself as an optimist. I like to think I always find the positive side of things. I like to think I am strong enough to choose not to let negative thoughts ruin something as optimistic as Thanksgiving.
Geez, you think if there was one day that was off limits for negativity and pessimistic thinking Thanksgiving Day would be a no-brainer.
Nope, not me. I pretty much dream of a land far, far away. A land where “the holiday season” doesn’t exist in any form. I curse the lack of disposable funds and every day responsibilities that prohibit me from jumping from continent to continent (or perhaps island to island) as a daring explorer in search of the non-holiday land.
I pretty much hate Thanksgiving.
It was exactly 3:16 at my sister’s home on Thanksgiving Day 2005 when I watched my mom take her last breath. I watched her hand curl in just as if it were a dried up leaf. I had known for days it was coming, but I’ll never forget the crushing feeling of those words of confirmation from the hospice nurse, “She’s gone, girls.” It was like someone had put a lead blanket over my whole body. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. There was a ringing in my ears.
Death on Thanksgiving Day does strange things to your reality. We had all been under so much stress. Nothing seemed normal.
I’ll never forget the looks of the family across the street. Outside greeting loved ones to their happy home in celebration of that Thanksgiving Day. They all pause when the hearse pulled in my sister’s driveway. That’s not the Norman Rockwell version of Thanksgiving for any family. Oddly enough, I felt sorrow for them. What a site to see on Thanksgiving. What would they say to the little girl in the velvet dress?
Inside my sister’s house it wasn’t Thanksgiving. Hell, it didn’t even feel like earth to me. We roamed like zombies and went through the motions of death. Everyone talked so softly. I used to think that people did that out of respect, but at the time it just felt like we couldn’t muster the energy to speak any louder.
I didn’t have it in me to call and notify anyone, friends or family. I have no idea who did. It’s hard to say those words. We decided to have a drink later to calm our nerves. For whatever reason a margarita was the cocktail that surfaced. The drink of mourning on this particular planet.
I pretty much hate Thanksgiving.
Exactly one year later, Thanksgiving Day, 2006 my father forgot my name. He forgot all six of his kids’ names that day, so I didn’t take it personally, but I died a little inside.
Life with dementia has bad days and not so bad days. Upsetting a routine and introducing environments that are no longer familiar (which is any but his own home) doesn’t skew the odds in favor of the preferred, ‘not so bad’ day.
I pretty much hate Thanksgiving.
I don’t know what it is. I can’t exactly explain why or find the right physiological explanation for it. I’m blissfully at peace on Halloween, but as soon as November 1st arrives something inside me chemically alters. It’s as if something inside my body starts to pump ‘dread adrenaline.’ Thanksgiving is coming. Christmas will follow. It will never be the same.
I pretty much hate Thanksgiving.
I know, I know, you don’t have to tell me. For those of you who know me know I have an abundance of blessings to be thankful for. New memories will some day take shape and the ghosts of Thanksgiving Past will be forced to lessen their grip. I know these things. I’m just waiting for my heart to catch up to my head.
I didn’t mean to hate Thanksgiving.
I must tell you, sincerely that this post was not meant to bring you down. Outstanding job so far, don’t you think?
In all sincerity my hope is that for those of you out there who find these circumstances worse than your own find a renewal of the meaning of Thanksgiving in its purest sense. That it may give you pause to let go of the holiday stress and, as they say, “find the reason for the season.”
Do your best to let go of the stress that can come with heavy family obligations and a commercialized holiday. Release the things that are wrong and rejoice in what’s right.
Bathe in it. Claim it. Fill your lungs with it. And if it’s only within your own heart, find a reason to make at least one moment on Thanksgiving Day spectacular.
I’ll cheer you on from the sidelines. I’ll be jumping up and down for your joy. I’ll be content in that role until one day I’m ready to take the field and play by those same rules again.
And to those of you, and there are many, that have it far worse. I send you my love and my deepest thoughts of compassion. I am thankful, for all of us, that healing will come in time and love never dies.
PS: I won’t always hate Thanksgiving.
[38 Comments] [38 Comments]
Jo Wehage
Jo,I know your pain. i Hate All Holidays, I Miss my Mom so much it hurts still after almost 4 years..and your right they will never be the same. but i belive they can be enjoyable again.. in God’s time . and that’s the hard part not being able to decide when it will stop hurting. my prayers and thoughts are with everyone that can relate to our pain..may we all have a peacefull Thanksgiving and every Holiday to come. God Speed Donna
I am really sad that you had to go through this. I had a very bad taste in my mouth about Christmas for so many years. My dad died on Christmas one year, my mom was diagnosed with cancer the next December. But I got married in December the year after that and I started “redeeming” the holiday. It was a step-by-step process but it is so much better than sinking deeper in the pit. I was 19 years old when my father died and 26 when my mother died. I could have been bitter forever because I was cheated out of what other young woman had, but I decided that that it wasn’t going to do me any good and I was in control of whether or not I dragged other people down with me.
My Mom died a year ago and I too, hate thanksgiving, I wish it and Christmas would go away, I feel your pain as well as mine, I dreamed God sent her back on Thanksgiving, but she isnt coming back..I struggle daily to function without my best friend.
This is not about Thanksgiving. This is about your Mother’s death. Be thankful she lived to see you to adulthood. My mother died when I was eleven.
I lost my father (56) suddenly when I was 17 and my Mother (85) at 48 and believe me it makes no difference how old you or they are.The pain is very much the same.
Telling someone who is grieving that they “should be grateful” is simply not the compassion they need.
I’m guessing your father is still living and THAT is something to be grateful for.
The loss of your only living parent is indescribable.
Jennifer, you are so right. This is not about Thanksgiving or Christmas, it is about the loss of a loved one that was lost on or around the holidays. I am sorry for your loss at an early age, but I do belive that having someone in your life over 50 years is like losing a part of your soul..The holidays just make you miss them more, for the joy they gave us in years past..
I lost my Mom 2 years ago to lung cancer on September 20 which is my deceased sisters birthday. That was a very painful day for all of us but it was a day we will never forget. I really never enjoyed the holidays even before her passing but I have grandkids that I want to be happy. Its hard to move on sometimes but you must if you have children and other family members. Six months after losing my Mom I got fired from my job and that was very devastating to me. What do you do with the unemployment rate the way it is? Today Im still without a job and do not want to go to school. Going to school is not going to pay the bills now but will in the long run.
I feel your pain. My Dad died suddenly the day before Thanksgiving 2007. He was on a cruise with his wife and my brother and sister-in-law. I had to hear about his death on a ship-to-shore call from my brother. But I was determined to do what my dad would have wanted….make Thansgiving dinner for those of us here waiting for his return. We had a wonderful dinner that Thanksgiving….I’ll never forget how close we all were that holiday. The cruise line would not turn the ship around, but instead continued on their journey with my Dad on board. He finally arrived back home on the Sunday night after Thanksgiving. That was the longest wait of my life! Fortunately, my step-mom, brother and sister-in-law were able to rearrange their plans and get back home on Saturday. What a tearful reunion at the airport.
My husband’s father died less than 9 months later, on the 4th of July. My exact words were, “boy, holidays are going to s–k pretty soon”. But they don’t. We celebrate their lives on those special days!
What a horribly depressing story! I hate the word hate. I know it is hard when a parent dies. My father in law died on my brithday, but he would not have wanted me to be sad about it. Every Year I drink one for him, and do my best to make sure that my young kids know something great about their grand father. You really have to do positive things to change the negativity in your family. Be strong, be together, and get through it instead of going around being miserable and depressed.
Have you lost a parent? You only mentioned a father in law. If you haven’t experienced the loss of your parents yet please wait until then to reply.
I can’t say i hate christmas i don’t care for it anymore. Well my father died in Dec. a week before christmas he gave us our gifts 4 days before he died. We had our first son he was only 11months old. It was so hard to miss him and be there for my son. The good thing is i made it, my son is 14years old and he is a good child. But i’m still sad when christmas comes around, who ever is reading this please keep me in your prayers. I’ts been 11years now
I understand your sadness and pain. My mother died last year on Thanksgiving. I’m not sure how my family and I are going to get through this first one without her. The feeling that I have been focusing on up to this point is that Thanksgiving is intended as a day for reflecting and giving thanks………and I give thanks for my mother every day of my life. God Bless
I lost my husband during the holidays and they have never been the same since. I dread them. I go through some of the motions but my heart will be forever broken at this time of year. I have also had to endure my daughter in law in Florida verbally abusing me and making fun of me by promising they are coming to spend Christmas and then screaming I was just kidding. I put a block on my phone and they can not call me at all any morel My son thinks she is a saint. I finally have peace and thank God I am rid of her. I also could use prayers this year as I now have cancer and the medication is worse than the disease.
I USUALLY READ THESE KIND OF WRITINGS AND THEN STOP AND PRAY FOR PEACE FOR THOSE WHO ARE WRITING. But to this one the Good Lord reminds me of yesterdays message…Thanksgiving is the celebration of what God has given us. Your Mom, Dad, Brother Nor Sister hurt or fear or hate any longer and definitely would not want you to be dismayed at thier joyfulness in there Mansion IN Our Lords Glorious Kingdom. It is time you quit thinking of YOU and thank Our Saviour for his Love and realize no matter what, YOUR LOVED ONES and most importantly HIS PRESENCE IS WITH YOU ALWAYS. And because of HIS Love you will ( when you have done here on earth what the Lord has planned for you) one day join them in HIS KINGDOM. As for Christmas Thats the Celebration of the Birth OF Our Saviour That came to give us ETERNAL LIFE. If not for then, we would not be able to look forward to joining our loved ones in his kingdom one day.
SO PEACE BE TO YOU AND MAY GOD BE WITH YOU AS YOU FIND JUST ONE THING TO BE THANKFUL FOR THIS HOLIDAY SEASON. I PRAY THAT ONE THING IS THE LOVE OF OUR LORD.
I miss my Mom and Dad every day of the year not just Thanksgiving and Christmas. However, since these are the holidays we celebrate our families and get together whether we speak all year or not the pain is multiplied on these holidays. My mom moved away 5 years before her death but I tried to be there on the holidays every year. I didn’t make it one year I think , and I missed her so bad then and she was still alive. It is more difficult for my sister because she lived in Fla with my mom and they had the holidays together so she is more so reminded of the empty seat. I am lucky I have met a wonderful man and love his family who has taken me in as one of their own. But it will never be the same, there will always be a deep hole especially on these days. I think the holidays are suppose to help us appreciate what we have and remember what we did have. I toast my parents each holiday to myself and am greatful for the time I did have with them. I try to look at holidays as memories of the wonderful times past and be as present as possible so that I can have more memories in the years to come.
This year, why not spend your Thanksgiving volunteering at a soup kitchen where you can help feed the less fortunate? Take your entire family with you so that the kids can learn a valuable lesson by helping others.
I feel your pain so much. I lost my Mom 3 weeks ago. My mom and dad made the holidays magical for me my whole life. I went to their house yesterday to pack up my mom’s belongings and I could picture myself as a child running around on Christmas morning. I felt so angry at first but then realized I have to remember the beautiful memories. I have to make sure to give my young children the magic I was given growing up. It wasn’t the food or the presents. It was remembering the family together in such a happy time. The worries of the world went away even for that short moment on that holiday. I wish you peace in this difficult journey.
Oh Toni – 3 weeks? Special hugs and healing thoughts for you. I will be thinking of you this holiday season. Hoping you feel your mom’s warmth is all around you.
Right with you, We’ve gone 4 consecutive years without celebrating holidays at home because of the lousy family memories. This year will be the same after the loss of our son. It seems like we start making the steps to the new normal- and then it bowls right over again the next year.
Prayers for buds of hope and normalcy to grow. You never forget, but you start to move forward.
Oh my – I’m so sorry to hear about your son. I can’t imagine the loss.
A virtual hug to you and all those commenting here who have felt the anquish of loss. These comments have left me with a sense of warmth and community. Thank you.
I’m thankful we’ve all known love and do what we can to work our way towards healing. Keeping everyone in my prayers.
I too have suffered loss. It does make time poignant and precious. As time passes, the pain leans towards warmer pangs of love, the memories of smiles and laughter take place of the halting breathes. The blue eyes that sparklee return to the mind more easily than the creases of anguish or vacant stares. Until that time comes for those who have said good-bye too soon, my wish is that the love holds you closer than the sorrow.
WOW – what healing and poetry in these kind words. Tell me you do this for a living. Gracious and heartfelt thanks for this.
Well, here’s my story. . . .my dad died when I was 17 (I’m 69 now). My mom died in 1978 on the 4th of July – some fireworks, huh? That Thanksgiving, 4 months later, my kids who were 15, 13, and 10, wanted Thanksgiving Dinner like Grandma made. She lived with us, so she did the cooking so “now what will I do? I called my neighbors, and asked one how to cook turkey, another one for dressing, another one for – get the picture? If they knew what I was doing, nobody ever “called” me on it and I finally got some kind of dinner on the table that year. Then December, and the 7th would have been mom’s birthday. Then Christmas – oh boy, that was fun . . . .not ! But eventually, we all kept going, but it was never the same after “Grandma” and Mom was gone.
I still miss her very much, even after 30 years.
Is there any wonder why Jesus didn’t celebrate anything but wedding feast and the Isrealites only passover and wedding feast!!! He did’nt even celebrate is own birthday(as if he did’nt know when his own birth took place!!!) It has been proven that more people commit suicide during the so called joyous holiday season than any other time of year. The Bible say that “the truth will set you free” and it does! No more spending money you don’t have for people you really don’t like very much. If CHRISTIANS would just “Do What Jesus Did”(WHAT WOULD JESUS DO” We wouldn’t have this kind of pain, actually if Adam and Eve had just obeyed we wouldn’t even have death, sickness, old age, war, etc. I’m sorry for your loss, I lost my mother 2yrs ago and I still feel the pain! a resurrection is coming, hold on!!!!
Yes, after reading your article I had a similar situation 25 years ago. mom was at the hospital with uterian(sic) cancer. I had just gotten married,and had gone to Buffalo to visit my wife’s family. we no sooner sat down for thanksgiving dinner when dad called and said she had gotten worse. we returned the next day. she had already slipped into a coma. i never even got to say goodbye. She died the following Sunday;it was tough she was only 64. i think about this every thanksgiving;but mom would never want me to go around with my head hanging low;she would want me to enjoy the day with my kids ,sisters, and dad. remember, it’s not what you lost. it’s what you got left’. and oh yeah,when you talk to loved ones on the phone tell them you love them before you say goodbye. then you won’t have any regrets later.
There are some good posts here. My father died on Christmas Eve when I was 26….21 years ago. I think of him all the time, but especially on Christmas Eve. However, life does go on and now I have young children who have rejuvenated the excitement of the evening. It is my turn to be the dad. I try to be the best dad I can and still remember the great times with my dad.
Moved me to tears…I say the holidays are primed for a trip to Cancun so we can all drink Banana Monkeys and forget about the things that make us sad.
Thanks for sharing openly and honestly. We all heal a little when one of us shares our pain and gives it a chance to dissipate into the community. We don’t feel so alone. We know that life goes on. And we know that one day the pain will lessen and new joy will wedge its way in. In the meantime, I wish you peace and a glimpse of Thanksgiving Future.
I’m sorry to hear of your loss. It can be especially hard when such a thing happens at a holiday. And even though you are old enough to be independent, it’s hard being an adult “orphan”.
We lost my husband’s mom last year at about this time. She had a long, good life, and had been declining for some time. She was frustrated with her physical limitations and depressed, so although we were sad to have lost her, we were relieved that her pain and frutration were over.
We were also fortunate enough that the entire family made it in time to be at her side when she went. We’re all VERY grateful for that.
After she died, my sister-in-law, niece, and I all looked at each other and said “we should make a big Thanksgiving dinner while we’re all here together”. We all chased around like crazy for the next few hours. By that evening we had the requisite big pile of food, tables for the adults and the bevvy of grand/great grandchildren, and a wonderfully chaotic family gathering. Everyone took turns talking about their memories of Doris, and we laughed and cried.
It’s hard to know Doris won’t be there this year, but the memory of that crazy, impromptu family celebration of her life is a great source of comfort.
My mom died a few years back of cancer, after a long struggle with Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. It’s hard to explain to people what it’s like to lose someone before they actually die, and I’m sorry you’re experiencing that with your father.
We didn’t hold a funeral. We waited until a time when weather and a three-day weekend made it possible for the maximum number of family and friends to take part, and we had a huge party to celebrate her life. People I hadn’t seen in YEARS showed up. Folks who were important parts of our lives but who had never met got to know each other. I threw food ingredients around with the moms of my grade-school friends. We had a giant board of photos of Mom from throughout her life, a fair number of which I’d never seen. It was amazing.
I think sometimes our societal norms make it difficult to grieve in a meaningful way. There are very proscribed ways you are supposed to grieve, and they don’t work for everyone. I personally think funerals (as they are most often carried out) are a crappy way to memorialize someone, and if anyone holds one for me after I’m dead, I’ll come back and haunt them!
I hope you find a way to grieve and remember your mom that brings you some peace. Remember she’ll always be there in all the things she taught you and the memories you shared with her. If nothing else, remember there are folks out there who understand what you’re going through, and are supportive of your heaing process.
I lost my father (to cancer) when he was just 52 years young
(10 years ago)
I was only 26…and I was “daddy’s girl”
It was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life.
I felt a lot like you when Father’s Day came around each year. I decided to go to counseling since I was hateful & mean — that is not what dad would have wanted
It helped to put things in perspective, everything happens for a reason ( i know that is hard to hear) I found out (thru counseling) my dad’s death has made me a stronger person. Focus on what’s really important in life– family, friends, health, etc
I promise, with some help, each year will get easier and you will think of the positive beautiful memories you and your mom have made.. instead of hating the Holidays.
Talk to someone, it will help!
Josie,
for Mom!!!
I can relate to your sadness and the dread of Thanksgiving or for that matter, any holiday. I don’t believe it ever goes away, but it will get a little easier every year, until one day you will realize the pain has lessened. When your mom is looking down from heaven, she wants to see your happiness, not sadness.
Jo, I don’t have a story nearly as heartbreaking as any others posted, but I often go through bouts of deep depression. I first heard you speak about a year ago and I was amazed at how full of life you seemed to be. To me, you seemed to glow with happiness and struck me as one of those people who never have a cloudy day. Almost inhuman. Whenever I was down, I used to think of you and people like you and dig myself even deeper into depression because I thought ” I will never have a truly happy soul like that”. But, after reading your article, I realize you really are human. And, if someone like you has days like mine, maybe I can have days like yours. Thank you for sharing your story and helping people to realize everything for which they have to be thankful.
We’re all much more similar than we are different, aren’t we? This is a good reminder, thanks K. And thanks for you comments on how I came across. Reminds me that I can:)
I will always hate Thanksgiving. I cannot help it, and I am fine with the fact that it is to be so. On Thanksgiving Day 2003, my mother fell over dead of a stroke on the living room floor where I played with toy trucks as a child. My sister (a nurse) and I (an Eagle Scout) performed competent CPR on her before the ambulance arrived. The paramedic told us she had a pulse (and good job). Unfortunately, she had another stroke in transit, followed by seizures, and we were told she would have to rely on life support and would never be sentient again. We had to let her go.
I felt my dying mother’s ribs cracking under my hands. I did my best for her that day, but it was not good enough. As the week of Thanksgiving approaches every year, I am reminded of the thoughts I had as I drove home, dejected, from the emergency room that night: “Why did I have children? I’ve brought them into the world only to do this to them someday!” Back then, one was aged 2 years, and the other 6 months. Though they are 8 and 6 now, it doesn’t feel any better. Neither of my kids remembers her. I wish I could celebrate her life on this holiday, but I still just relive the horror of deciding that it was time to let her go.
How awful for you. I’ll be thinking of you this holiday season, Jerry. May peace find you soon!
im so sorry i feel your pain first my grandpa dies i was 9 then my mom in a terrible car crash i was 11 then my moms only brother i was 13 then my grandma 25 before my bro & I could speak we are the last living relatives on my mothers side, its scary when there are more relatives up there then here on earth, holidays i acutally love its that how will it look i cook a lovely meal only to have to bring it to the cemetary it makes me feel awful when people at the cemetery look at me when i visit each grave not to mention on my mothers stone they have my name my brothers name also, do not take so much on thanksgiving be thankful to have had your family a little longer than i got mine why not vsiit them at the cemetery just cuz someone isnt alive does not have anything to do with how much they love you when they were,
Hey everyone, it’s Thanksgiving Day! I’m happy with my extra day off, and I am planning to make something fun that’ll probably involve a moto trip and seeing something new in Rome I haven’t seen yet.
You write something new at Thanksgiving?
I just read this, Jo. I’m so sorry for your sad Thanksgiving memories and for the loss of your mother. I know you will create some happy memories in the future. Now I know why you are such a caring and compassionate person. Loss and pain makes us that way. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.